Wednesday, May 19, 2010

V's Pick #33: Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb

I picked this up in the library and tore into it the minute I got home - Gottlieb is hilarious and her writing style is sort of like a smarter and more irreverent Carrie - reading her is like listening to a girlfriend who's finally got it together. More so though, in this book, she speaks volumes about the struggle many women our age (and apparently well beyond) go through with dating. In her early forties, having had a child two years ago via artificial insemination, Gottlieb isn't bitter and angry, rather, she's confused...and finally willing to admit that the reason she's never been married is not because there aren't good men out there, but because she's been looking for the wrong things.

I'd be lying if I didn't mention that I found myself in some of her musings and her particular personal struggle is similar to that which one of my closest girlfriend has been battling for the last two years with a man whom she was engaged to, then just dating and now, just living with as a roommate. My friend, we'll call her Flower, is sort of Lori, twenty years prior and this book is directly written for women in her spot.

Lori likes the bad boys - and by that, I don't mean motorcycle-riding, drug-taking, violent men, rather, pretty men who are artistic, a little unstable, won't commit, are SO much fun and truly like her...but will never love her (nor her them, for as she reminds us, lust is not love, passion is not a future and fun is relative). That's all fine and dandy, except Lori has wanted to settle down for most of her adult life...now, with a toddler, more than ever, she wants a man who values family, wants to be married, etc...but she can't stop being attracted to and going for the men who will NEVER get there with her. This book is her quest to figure out WHY this is the case and to fix her priorities to the point where she can finally see past the surface and into more suitable men.

As she takes her readers through speed-dating, science, online profiles, blind dates, matchmaking, counseling, and stories/advice of countless happily married couples, Lori herself finds answers to some of the questions and never fails to admit the feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and disappointment all of this brings up inside; she's self-reflective and earnest, which even in her moments of somewhat annoying back-peddling, makes her not only likeable but relateable.

So, what does she find? For a woman who wants a family, the married life, and comfort through the years, she's been dating as if she'll always be wanted by men (not the case - as she explains, once we're out of our early 30s, it literally is all downhill from there) and letting GOOD men go because they weren't "exciting" or "mysterious" enough. She explains that feelings of nausea while waiting for the phone to ring isn't love, nor will it lead to a happy relationship. She explains that pretty men who are interesting and alpha are NOT what women should shoot for when they're looking to settle down and she urges every woman to not pass up a guy because of the superficial things - the way he dresses, lack of things in common, corny jokes, height, lack of artistic talent, etc. A good example comes from a friend of hers who was dating a great guy who wanted the same things she did...except she was an avid rock-climber who read serious novels and he liked to work on his car and watch sports. Her friend almost ended it because she couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't share those two interests...but through the process of dating this man, her friend realized what was actually important was that this man never stopped her from doing those things, always wanted to hear about the books she was into and even tried to rock-climb with her. They found things they could share - like raising their child, going to church, politics, etc. Lori gives an example of her friend Andrew who she turned down years prior because she didn't think he was "deep" enough for her...who ended up marrying a woman who was less deep than even he was and who is now an avid reader and even a writer. She was so focused on dating pretty men who fit the IMAGE of who she thought would make her happy that she passed up a man who literally had all the qualities that really, scientifically, equate long-term happiness: shared values, compatible personalities, humor, friendship, etc.

Prior to John, I never pictured myself with a guy who wasn't an alpha-male, who wasn't the guy who lit up the party, dressed like he could walk of the streets of NYC and who wasn't an artist or thinker of some-sort. To be honest, I'm not even sure how it happened that I was able to look past some of these things enough to see John for who he is...and maybe it was during the time when I dated some of those men and remained friends with John, that I started to see that he wasn't an artist per se, but is incredibly artistic (a way better painter than me, a guitar player and an amazing digital designer), that he wasn't an alpha-male, but is instead, a caring and adaptable companion who truly is happy to allow me to lead (which I like to do anyway)...and as far as the baggy pants...before we were together, I never knew that he loved to wear ties, dresses amazingly when he goes to work even though his office allows them to wear jeans, has incredible taste in regard to design and will try anything once, including taking direction from me about this or that in regard to fashion. He is truly one of those "nice guys" and I am thankful every day for being able to see past some of the surface to find true connection and attraction that is deeper and more alive than any of those exciting and slightly tortured men I usually liked.

Lori reminded me of why I am in love with John on a deeper level - the way he treats waiters, the way he loves my cat, doesn't flinch when I get into my own "alpha woman" mode and calms me down like a warm cup of tea; he's not the most out-going guy but when he warms up to you, he is indeed the person who gets everyone laughing, and despite a level of shyness, he never shies away from a new experience, food, or a social venue. Lori reminded me that baggy pants, height, hair or an affinity for video games, beer and sports doesn't mean someone isn't also a thinker, a feeler and a creative soul. I never thought I would be happy with a man who watches SportsCenter before bed, but living with him I've found that I enjoy that time because I like to read before bed - something other men have never understood. And learning about Wilt Chamberlin or going to a baseball game is just as, if not more so, interesting than being with someone who's always talking about poetry. John asks me to read my writing to him and he'll listen to me talk about a book for an hour if I need to. While studying for my comp exam, he was my number one conversation partner about composition theory. For what he lacks as a voracious reader (it'll take him a month or two to finish a book), he makes up for in being able to read me.

This book made me all the more thankful for the decisions I've made being with John and she also makes me very aware of the mistakes I made prior to him; in that, this book is essential for any single woman who finds herself going through man after man without finding what she needs as well as for women in relationships who find themselves sometimes wishing their partner matched some of the superficial things they thought (or think) they need. Beyond that, it's a pretty hilarious read and would make a great gift for the girlfriend in your life who is busy passing up a good man for the challenge of a wrong one.

1 comment:

  1. This makes me so happy for you. John's a lucky guy!!

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